I Got A Feeling.

Sometimes you flee a place, running full steam ahead. You are full of excitement and you are sure that where you fled is behind you. The urge will never cease for you to return there and put your feet in the water of the place of your origin.

I love New Orleans. It is really that simple. I even secretly love the things I complain about the most. My job and my community here is fantastic.

However, like any human being there are days when I look around and everything looks so unfamiliar, so vastly different from my childhood surroundings that I am filled with sadness and longing. I want to not just Skype my parents but, to be able to put my arms around them. Being homesick is temporary, and I know that. Yet, I still feel the need to physically be around my family members.

I recently read the book Water for Elephants (I know I am late to the party, thanks). This book struck a huge cord with me. Not only is it an amazing recant of a unique and exciting life, but it is about human frailty. More specifically, it is about a man in his 90's who finds himself in an unfamiliar place (a retirement home), physically longing to be surrounded by the place where he found his true home. Through his dreams the reader sees his vivid memories of working in and on a circus. When he wakes up he does not recognize his aging body and is frustrated by his inability to recognize family members, and the waning visits with him they make.

This man's story reverberates in me. I consider deeply what this means in my own life. It not only speaks to the reality that I have a grandmother who is going through a similar situation, but to a part of me that wonders what home means to me. Also, what does it mean to dream big and chase the things that seem the most impossible?

While my tumbling thoughts race around in my mind, I am learning to find solace in the good times. Remembering the times that brought me joy, always fulfills new joy. Most of all it is important to know that I am something small that makes up something vast and beautiful. The way one star, when seen with many, makes up the night sky.

Hence My Diatribe...

Side Diatribe: In our current times, let us all consider the words of Martin Luther King Jr.,

"Injustice anywhere, is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly."  

Discerning to Discern my Discernment

"True teaching will issue from Zion, God's revelation from Jerusalem. He'll establish justice in the rabble of nations and settle disputes in faraway places. They'll trade in their swords for shovels, their spears for rakes and hoes. Nations will quit fighting each other, quit learning how to kill one another. Each man will sit under his own shade tree, each woman in safety to tend to her own garden." Micah 4:1-4

Currently in YAVsphere we are working both individually and as a group to complete vocational discernment. Ultimately, what that means is each one of us to trying to figure out where we feel called to go in the future. For some of us it could be grad school, or what career field we want to pursue in first place. 

For me this is very confusing. I have no idea where exactly I feel called. The above quote from Micah was apart of one of our discernment exercises. In the exercise we were supposed to paint a picture of God's will in that scripture, figuring out what it would look like, who would be in it, and what are people doing, and most of all what am I doing?

My gut reaction to this exercise was "really?" How is anyone supposed to gain something specific from something so abstract? 

We recently had a young adult meeting for volunteers across the city at a church in the lower 9th ward. The lower 9th ward is one of the poorest districts in New Orleans. We went to a Episcopal church and the Reverend Lionel Edmonds spoke to us about the ministry they do in that neighborhood. About the children who are ten and eleven years old reading at third grade level, and the young girls with low self esteem falling into bad habits. He spoke to the importance of education and the tutoring program they use to intercede into the lives of these kids to help them strive for something better. Listening to this man speak with such conviction and emotion left me feeling reassured about the things I am passionate about. 

That is when this excerpt from Micah and the question of exercise came to mean a lot more.  What am I doing? I am working hard to create sustainable Christian Education programs for my church, to inspire the youth in my church to meet once a week, to change New Orleans one interaction at a time. Most all I am pushing to find out what it means to truly live out the passion that the Spirit fills me with. I tutor a young boy who is like many of the children Rev. Edmonds sees in his program. Working with him as taught me a lot about myself, what I want for America and our education system. Children like him can so easily falls through the cracks, and they do not deserve to. 

What does that picture look like in Micah? It looks like a nation who stops waging war on foreign soil and comes back to focus on reaping and sowing the greatness within their own citizens to create a place for every man and woman. We talk of peace, but what are we doing in our lives to create it? Each man with a tree, each woman with a garden. Something for everyone through hard work. We must pick up the shovels and pipe down our egos. 

I might still be unclear on the exact path I am taking and figuring it all out might take a while. But I will stick with what I know deep in my heart is right. I will reach out my hand to those who need it, and I will not pick and choose what those people look like. Most of all I will live God's way. "But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way the fruit appears in an orchard - things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely" (Galatians 5:22-23). 

I cannot change the choices others make, but I can determine my own. Our choices are all we have. I choose to love. 

Hence my Diatribe...

My tutee Manny and Me

Lights, Camera, Action: My Stage.

Once again I am back to the blogsphere. I know these long hiatuses need to stop, but no promises readers.

I was home in Elizabeth City for the holidays and it was really great to see family and friends. However, things were much different than any other Christmas. So many of my friends are different and the dynamics of my family are changing. While there are so many things to give thanks for, as a human I cant help but grieve the loss of the things I hold familiar.

Before heading back to the warmest winter I've ever known, I stopped off at the Montreat College Conference in Montreat, NC.

This years conference was outstanding. The theme was "Wondering Wanders," and even though I am no longer in college I can relate to that. It is hard to admit that I am still finding myself, and searching for a calling. I often feel frustrated and upset with myself that I am not where my peers are or that I'm not where my older sister was at 24. Focus is always something I've struggled with. The keynote speaker at this conference Brian McLaren (keynote speaker) taught us about the four Stages of Faith. The four stages being: Simplicity, Complexity, Perplexity, and Humility/Harmony.


Learning about these stages in terms of not only faith, but life in general, have helped me reassure myself that while time is often short and the demands of society are loud, the deep resounding call of a higher power is also urgent. I must let the quiet voice within lead me, and know that whether I am making lots of money or none at all there is a force moving me in the right direction.

I recently listened to a story on This American Life (nerd alert), about a man who continually pursued a woman for years, who he met in Thailand and had fallen in love with. He didn't keep his family informed because, he knew they would just deter him or belittle him. After several years of keeping up this long distance relationship the woman finally agreed to marry him. They are now together in the U.S. and very happy. His brother commented that everyone in the family thought that he (the man) was just moving at a turtles pace with all his siblings racing around him in their careers and through marriages, but he actually knew where he was going all along.

We live in a society that constantly asks "What's next?" but rarely do we contemplate the answer to that question. We race to next task, or place, dying to accomplish everything and attain everything that everyone else seems to posses. But, for those who take the time to reach a goal or those who follow their heart without letting demands around them shake their passion the rewards can be true happiness.

As a group we are beginning the stage of vocational discernment, and I feel strongly that I will be able to find some conclusions through this process. I look forward to listening, questioning, and sitting with the unknown to find my pace in this ridiculous race we are running.


SIDE NOTE: If I peaked your interest he explains them and more in his companion books Finding Faith: A Search For What Makes Sense, and Finding Faith: A Search For What's Real. I don't want to over sell these books, but they are currently helping me weed through a lot of my personal questions about my own relationship with God.

Peace

Hence my Diatribe...

The Rotten Gourd

So recently I made a typical blunder of epic proportions and forgot that I had a pumpkin riding around in the truck of my car. So as Thanksgiving approaches I begin to smell the distinctive smell of a rotten gourd in my car. Upon opening my trunk I find the dying corpse of said pumpkin. Needless to say it was truly disgusting and with much gagging and self hatred I managed to clean all of it (except for the smell) out. Not to mention while tossing out a box of ruined clothes to be donated I managed to cover the side of my face and hair with rotten pumpkin mush.

To possibly read way to much into this unfortunate mistake, I began to think of this as a physical manifestation of my(or everyones) emotional denial. I often bury what I can't seem to handle deep into the recesses of my mind. How many rotten gourds are you carrying around? How many difficult to understand situations, personal conflicts, or conflicts with others have you simply let slowly decompose in your soul? Are we polluting ourselves with ignored problems? The answer is undoubtedly obvious for me, YES.

I recently spent my first Thanksgiving away from my family, that was so terrible and so amazing at the same time. While, I felt truly depressed about not being able to eat the same food, and take part in the same traditions I found solace when everyone around me in New Orleans asked me if I had somewhere to eat for Thanksgiving, and if I was going to be alone. I have only been living in this city for three months. If I hadn't been a part of a congregation or in the YAV program I would most likely have been sitting alone with a microwave meal (I do not cook).

Perhaps the most rewarding part of not being with my family, was bonding with my roommate Tasha who also wasn't able to make it home. We spent the day after Thanksgiving watching a marathon of Dawson's Creek (don't judge me), eating Tater-tot casserole, and me teaching her how to knit. It seems so boring and normal, but Tasha is halfway to finishing a scarf now, and three days ago she had no idea how to knit.

It is with these support systems, and important communities that we begin to clean out the rotten gourds of our life and confront the things that scare and confuse us the most.

While the pumpkin debacle is typical of my forgetful nature, I know now that we all leave things unattended for too long. Even though sometimes it is overwhelming and makes you want to gag, the only way around it all is to push through. And grab on tight to those around you who honestly reach out to pull you to the other side.

This is your life on ignorance.

Read All About It!

The other day a local band The Soul Rebels Brass Band came by my tutoring site to talk to the kids about music and education. There was a pamphlet on what Lamar (a band member) was talking to them about. I was leading the child I tutor, Manny through the words by underlining them with my finger. As Lamar went on explaining the different instruments Manny started to underline the words on his own, and he was following them in perfect order with what Lamar was saying. It seems like no big deal, but it made my heart swell. I knew that I was giving Manny the tools to become a better reader and that he was actually picking them up and putting them into practice.

Literacy is big deal, and in NOLA music is an even bigger deal. Prior to Katrina there were a lot of music programs for elementary school aged children in place. As of now, very few exist at all. Lamar told us that through his elementary school music program he became hooked into something positive that gave him focus in school. Lamar has both a BA and a Masters, and currently tours the world with Soul Rebels. Imagine the possibilities for the current generation here in NOLA.

Tutoring programs like STAIR (Start the Adventure in Reading) is only a small piece of the puzzle. Music and arts education isn't suffering, it is practically extinct. In a country where we are supposedly "leaving no child behind" it seems that several are neglected and discarded everyday. I urge you to get involved locally. Ask the tough questions, demand answers.

You can check out dosomething.org, volunteermatch.org, or serve.gov.

The list goes on folks. It's up to us to make the changes, and be the light. The spirit is alive in me, and I see it everyday in this city.

Hence my diatribe...

Happy Halloween

Halloween has been under fire for many years. I am pretty sure most people are aware of the pros and cons. However, this year it seems the pumpkin guts hit the fan when it was put in motion that Halloween be switched to Saturday. I was really surprised by how heated people got by this. 


I was listening to the radio and this women verbally accosted the radio host in the name of the Lord. Being that her idea was it was "unholy" to have Halloween on a Sunday. 
When people like this pop up on media outlets like the radio I just feel sick. I mean really? Are we still of the mind that our beliefs give us the right to go around chastising people and feeling superior in the name of our God? I certainty hope not. 


Okay, so there are people who feel that Halloween is about the devil and celebrating evil things. Those people are totally entitled to feel how they want to. The same way other people are entitled to see Halloween as a time to let kids be creative and dress up in costumes, and then let them fill themselves with sugar. While, throwing a Christian "Fall Festival." 


Here is stuffchristianslike.net 's 3rd option for Halloween:
Christian hybrid Halloween.

It’s not Halloween, it’s not. Is it held in October? Yes. Do kids get candy? Yes. Do kids dress up? Yes. Are there pumpkins involved? Yes. But it’s not Halloween, it’s a “Fall Festival.”

Also, I really don't understand the response from those who don't consider themselves religiously affiliated. I read on facebook a certain persons response to the question "Why is Halloween being moved to Sunday" to be that, "They feel like they know "best" and should set an example for all us unwashed masses and shove their fear-based "beliefs" down our throats." Does it make you any more of person to direct so much anger and hatred at an entire religion. If you feel that you need to use the word "they" to cover what you are about to speak on, here is my suggestion, don't say anything else. 

I am just ready for a time where we can all relax and respect everyone's ability to make their own choices. Here is a what I consider to be a pretty practical response to all of this. 

If in your community (whatever that may be) you want to keep the trick o' treating on actual Halloween, go ahead and do that. If you want to switch to Saturday, so you can have your party on a Saturday and not be to tired for work in the morning on Monday, do that. Perhaps you want to watch the Saints game on Sunday evening and you want trick o' treating to happen on Saturday, hey you knock yourself out Saints fan. 

Also, no matter what your personal choice or group decision turns out to be you don't try to make it out to be any thing besides what it is. We could all use a little less animosity and a little more acceptance. Not everything in life is about one thing, and ultimately what I choose to do will be just that. 

Hence my diatribe...

emotional rollercoaster

Oh to be a Saints fan post super bowl championship. I suppose with my years put in with the Wolfpack (N.C. State) I should be used to such a consistent build-up followed by a crushing let down. I am mostly feeling the stress of getting everything done for all the different things I am doing for my job. I have random lists on all kinds different pieces of paper. I know I have heard many of my elders express that once you get older your memory starts to dissipate. So what's my excuse? I suppose it's just my general nature to not be terribly concerned with details, however I am now in desperate need to remember, recall, and execute everything that is said to me. It keeps me up at night on a regular basis. 

On the other side of this I honestly cannot find the words to express how much of a relief it is to come home to the best roommates ever. They always let me vent, followed by making me laugh, followed by handing me a frosty beverage. I cannot get enough of shouting movie quotes at one another, and then busting gut over silly stuff. It is necessary to have some comic relief, when we are stuck in such a crazy situation.


It's strange to work in Kenner/Metairie where things seem so normal and together after Katrina, and then live in New Orleans where five years later the city is still a mess. It's tough to live in the neighborhood we do. I worry about taking the trash out at night. Apart of my year is to be immersed in the community and culture, so far, mission accomplished. 


I am really looking forward to Halloween. My roommates and I are dressing up as Mario Bros characters. I am dressing up as YOSHI. It is going to a lot of fun. 

It is a series of positives and negatives while I am working my way through this year of work, discernment, spiritual growth, and intentional living. Most days are emotionally draining, but I wouldn't trade anything for this experience. 


Hence my diatribe...


I would also like to acknowledge that today is my little sister Maggie's 21st Birthday. Happy Birthday Sissy.